A reader writes:
I have a coworker — let’s call him Sergeant Duke — who is a pretty nice guy. We’re in the military, are the same rank, and have a similar level of experience. Aside from a personality clash with one other coworker, Sergeant Duke gets along with everyone, is good at his job, and doesn’t make a big fuss.
Except for one small thing: dear Sergeant Duke has diagnosed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and has to instruct me (and everyone else) on EVERYTHING. Here are just a few examples:
* the best route to get to my house (he lives in a different town)
* how to call the local clinic to make an appointment (while I was on the phone with them making an appointment)
* what classes to take for my degree (he’s in a completely different program at a different school)
* how to map a printer, where the post office is, how to eat to lose weight/gain muscle, etc…I must stress that in not a single one of the instances have I asked for guidance. He simply seems to feel that he knows best when it comes to everything and must give his input.
He also has a habit of telling me what to do when our supervisor is out, even though we’re the same rank:
* “You can go ahead and take your lunch at eleven if you want.”
* “You can leave now for your appointment if you like.”
* “I’m going to be out the rest of the day so just go home at our regular time.”I understand it’s somewhat out of his control. And he’s a great guy. He wants everyone to succeed and wants the job to get done. It’s just that I find the constant direction-giving to be a nuisance, even though I know it’s mostly harmless. And it’s not as if I’m being targeted particularly, I just sit closest to him in our office.
I’ve recently gotten some bad health news and I’m worried about him finding out because I don’t want to hear what he has to say on the matter. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t speak to him very much at all.
How can I politely set boundaries or redirect Sergeant Duke when he gets into one of these spiels? The last thing I want is to harbor any resentment towards him when I know it’s likely almost impossible for him to control.
What happens when you tell him to stop?
Ideally when he meddles you’d be saying things like:
* “I don’t need advice on that, thanks.” (Feel free to leave off the “thanks,” depending on how annoyed you are.)
* “I’ve got this covered. I’m not looking for input.”
* “You don’t need to tell me when to take lunch.”
* “Please don’t tell me things like when to take lunch.”
* “Please let me manage my own schedule.”
If he keeps going after you’ve told him to stop, feel free to say, “I’m not going to keep discussing this” and turn away. You can say this cheerfully! It’s clear that you mostly like the guy and don’t want to make things tense with him, and this might sound awfully chilly when you picture it your head — but you can say it warmly and just decline to keep engaging without it having to be a big confrontation.
If you try all this and it doesn’t change his behavior, well, you tried. It probably won’t change his behavior, in fact, if he’s struggling with a compulsion — but it may slow him down and, if nothing else, you’ll be putting up a boundary for yourself. You can’t control what he does, but you can put up a clear boundary on your side and then decline to engage.
That said, if he tries to discuss your bad health news, please go ahead and be more aggressive. It’s fine in that situation to say, “I do not want to discuss this, and I need you to not bring it up with me again.” If he keeps trying, that’s worth escalating. You’re kind to want to be understanding that his behavior stems from a medical condition, but that doesn’t mean he gets to trample all over your medical privacy (and nor would that be considered a reasonable accommodation for OCD).